Our holiday can be summarised as a continuum of good and bad
scenarios. From the minute we landed, we were on a rollercoaster of luck and
misfortune, of which I wholeheartedly share with you now. Welcome to Good News; Bad News.
(This is quite long so you might want to get yourself a cup
of tea)
Day 1- Monday
Good news- WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAYYYYY!
Bad news- It’s 4am in the morning.
Good news- Chesca early.
Bad news- Chesca’s never early. This isn't normal. Was this
a premonition of bad things to come? Were the seeds of doom already set in
motion?
Good news- Saved on luggage costs by just taking hand
luggage.
Bad news- Chesca’s bag looks deceptively huge. We worry they
might not let her class it as hand luggage. She is asked to fit it into the
dummy hand luggage space. I daren’t look as she walks over to it.
Good news- Mother of God, it fits! We cuddle and kiss the
bag and praise it for its slimline shape.
Good news 2- Plenty of time on our hands. We prepared our
sandwich bags with 100ml liquids in at home already.
Bad news- My sandwich bag is too big. Have to relocate
everything into tiny airport provided bag. Why did I feel it necessary to bring
a tube of hair gel with me??
Good news- Chesca adopts some of my items into her bag and
we just about do the zip up on mine.
Bad news- Wasted 15 minutes.
Annoying news- They didn't even check the bags.
Bad news- Realised that my new Primark top is one of those
tops that generates heat and I'm beginning to sweat like a sweaty pig face. Polyester
is thine enemy.
Good news- A quick dash through the duty free perfume aisle
and I'm smelling of roses once again.
Bad news- Somehow we went from having loads of time on our
hands to needing to be at our gate in 10 minutes. Running through airport
ensues. Worried we won’t be able to sit together.
Good news- We do get to sit together YAY!
Bad news- At the back
of the plane.
Good news- Arrive safely and walk straight through luggage
collection at Mahon Airport to find the office with our transfer arrangement.
Bad news- The lady behind the desk tells us that as of that
very morning, the company that was meant to provide transport for us has pulled
out of their contract with them, and she has no information on how we are meant
to get to our hotel. She says sorry she can’t help us. Chesca and I are speechless
and just gormlessly move away and try to rationally think how we’re gonna get
to our hotel on the other end of the island. We're stranded. Images of Tom Hanks
sleeping under a half burst lifeboat in Cast Away spring to mind…
Good news- By some miraculous manner, we happen to overhear
two men nearby mention the name of our transfer company so we follow them surreptitiously. Attempt smooth Pink Panther prowling...
In reality, come off more like this:
Good news 2- Turns out the office they are approaching is
the company that is taking on the customers from the now defunct transfer
company we were originally using. Hallelujah! Lady behind the desk hands over
our transfer card and tells us which coach stop to go to. I notice the card
says our hotel is called ‘Blancala’ instead of ‘Calablanca’ but I think nothing
of it. We are so relieved to have found our transfer, so very lucky!
Good news 3- It’s so sunny and warm when we go outside to
wait for our coach.
Bad news- I'm wearing a black top and skintight jeans. Why.
Good news- Coach arrives.
Bad news- The driver says we have to wait 50 minutes for
another flight to come in.
Good news- Me and Chesca get prime seats at the front of the
coach. Best views of the island as we drive through it.
Bad news- Get evilled
by all the subsequent arriving elderly couples from the next flight. Elderly
peeps love front seats don’t ya know.
Unsettling news- We spot a weird goat/sheep/cow hybrid
animal as the coach drives through barren land. What is this place!?
Good news- Get dropped off at our hotel! We can finally get
some lunch and begin sunbathing.
Bad news- Weird gut feeling as we walk towards the hotel and
I think to myself “hmm this doesn't look like it did on the brochure…”
Bad news 2- Turns out we've been dropped off at the wrong
hotel.
As soon as the receptionist says this I look outside to see the coach drive away. Too late.
Our expression.
As soon as the receptionist says this I look outside to see the coach drive away. Too late.
Good news- Receptionist is handsome, blue-eyed, helpful
male.
Bad news- I am the epitome of sweaty pig face.
Good news-He kindly offers to phone our hotel.
Bad news- They don’t pick up.
Good news- He rings a taxi for us. We apologise for not choosing his hotel and go to wait outside for the taxi.Taxi man looks like Pedro Almodovar. So we call him Pedro
affectionately behind his back.
Good news- Pedro takes us to the right hotel HOORAY!
Finally, now for that cocktail.
Bad news- The second we roll up to the reception desk we are
greeted by a tornado of a woman called Gigi who on hearing our surnames
exclaims “we've been waiting for you!” slightly ominous. Image of a Bond villain
stroking a white cat and saying “we've been expecting you, Mr. Bond” comes to
mind.
Bad news 2- She tells us they have no room for us. They have
double booked. Once again we are left speechless, pondering our uncertain
future. Gigi rapidly explains that it’s ok, they will move us to their sister
hotel, all expenses paid, and she shows us the hotel in the brochure.
Good news- It’s right next to a beach.
Bad news- It’s 11km further away from the city we want to be
in.
Good news- Although further away, buses are more frequent
there.
Good news 2- Gigi tells us she will ring a taxi for us but
in the meantime to enjoy a free drink in the bar. She gives us our all
inclusive wristbands. FINALLY the cocktails we are so thirsty for.
Bad news- The minute we sit down to drink our cocktails,
Gigi returns and tells us our taxi is here. I manage a pathetic sip whereas
Chesca downs hers all in one.
Bad news 2- Realise they were non alcoholic. Great, Gigi
gave us an under 18's wristband. Kick us while we’re down Gigi, ok we might not
look 21 but we've been up since 3am MMMKAY, we’re tired, make-up-less, and
besides it’s hard to look +18 when you’re the height of a 12 year old sheeeesh.
Good news- Pedro is back! Gigi must've called him just after he dropped us off. He gives us a friendly look and says “not again”. Yes Pedro,
yes, again we are moving hotel.
Bad news- Trying to practice my Spanish, I ask Pedro for a ‘recipe’
instead of a ‘receipt’…receta, recibo…same difference…he knew what I meant
though, and actually a recipe would've been a nice touch if he’d obliged.
Bad news 2- Receptionist at new hotel, Placido, seems
unfriendly. Not
sure if he’s upset that his name literally means ‘placid’, or whether he’s just
having a bad day. I attempt to woo him with some Spanglish. My efforts have
pleased him and he is suddenly the friendly receptionist we have always hoped
for! He swaps our under-age wristbands for 18+, hurrah. Chesca and I depart to
our room with smiles on our faces and hunger in our stomachs.
Good news- There is a lift to take us to our third floor
room.
Bad news- Forgot that Chesca hates lifts. I sense a holiday
filled with stair climbing in our midst.
Good news- Our bedroom. Wow. Great view of the beach right
outside our window, air conditioning, and free champagne to apologise for the
inconvenience with the double booking.
Bad news- As we enter the restaurant for lunch everyone
stares at us as if we are fresh meat. Most guests arrive on Friday and leave on
Friday but we have arrived on Monday to leave on Friday so it’s obvious we are
new. Suddenly felt very aware that we are in the minority of young females in
the hotel.
Good news- No one younger than us at the hotel means no
annoying kids screaming.
Bad news- Everybody elderly.
Good news- This means we have the most gravity defiant bodies
out of all the guests.
Good news 2- Finally the sunbathing can begin at 4pm, and it’s
still sunny.
Grey news- All women over the age of 30 in our
vicinity are reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
Good news- We smell of coconut due to the sun tan oil.
Bad news- Attract flies. And UVB rays. We went for
a factor 15 tanning oil based sun cream which means it only protects against
UVA rays. Our logic was that as we were only here for 4 days, and the sun won’t
be as strong this time of year, we should be ok. Even though usually I'm lathered in factor 30. In May. In England.
Bad news 2- About to get into pool when entertainment team
start shouting WATER POLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Avoid eye contact with them and
retreat slowly…
Good news- Sighting of young males on the beach playing
volleyball! There are other young’uns around it seems.
Bad news- Too sober to talk to them.
Good news- Chesca has cojones and decides to go and talk to
them to find out where to go at night for people our age. Me, being a complete coward, decide to stay on
my grassy perch and hide behind a magazine.
Bad news- Chesca walks over to them. Later she reveals it
felt like the longest walk of her life.
Thar she blows
Good news (for me)- I found the eternal walk hilarious, especially because they seemed to turn their backs on
her one by one the closer she got to them…I was just relieved it wasn't me going over there. Was feeling pretty smug as a bug in a rug.
Bad news- Chesca and I had assumed they would speak
English…they didn't.
Bad news 2- I get called over to try and translate. I can
confirm the length of time it takes to walk there increases exponentially with the number of eyes watching you.
Good news- They understand me, so I ask where they recommend
for night life.
Bad news- I may have unintentionally poorly phrased my words
during a mistranslation and said something like “Menorca is for the ancients”
whoops.
Bad news 2-
Either they were insulted by my feeble language attempts, or just not
interested in helping us on our mission, as they seemed to only answer everything
with one word answers. Increasingly awkward conversation.
Even worse
news- In an attempt to get away from their penetrating eyes and immobile larynges, and to signal that this interaction was over, I said thanks unexpectedly
and gave them the finger guns. Oh yeah. I went there. This was then followed by
Chesca giving them the thumbs up.
Ahhh embarrassing.
Good news-
Escape for dinner. Chips is on the menu. And all you can eat ice cream for
pudding.
Bad news- Too
full from chips to eat the ice cream.
Good news-
Whilst late night shopping, Chesca finds two pairs of shorts she likes.
Bad news-
After trying them on, it is clear that one pair is so deceptively tight and
wedgie-inducing it resembles a belt, and the other pair is so loose they could smuggle a small child through customs in.
Good news-
She doesn't buy either.
Good news 2-
Hear lively happenings nearby at the lagoon.
Bad news-
Discover that the local talent is a trio called Delicatessen. Oh dear. Maybe
we should head back to the hotel…
Good news- Return to hotel to find the evening entertainment
in full flow.
Bad news- Evening entertainment consists of grown men in
gold, sequinned tailcoats singing children’s songs.
Even worse news- Quickly becomes apparent the entertainment
is based on audience interaction. Avoid eye contact with them and retreat slowly…
Day 2- Tuesday:
Good news- Decide to be active and do the aquagym class.
Bad news- Chesca gets trapped at the shallow end of the pool,
ends up doing aquagym on her knees.
Good news- Finally pushes through to the deep end of the pool.
Bad news- Only for the instructor to command that we lift
ourselves out of the pool. Due to no floor leverage, Chesca gets stuck half in
the pool, half on the side and begins to flounder…everybody turns to watch her, no-one offers to help.
Not a great moment.
Good news- Aquagym over, back to the sunbeds, dozing off.
Bad news- The only wasp in the whole island has chosen us as
his wives. Circles us repeatedly. We run away.
Good news- I pluck up the courage to talk to the handsome
lifeguard to find out where is good to go at night.
Bad news- Hot day, so sweaty pig face.
Good news- He kindly draws us a map of places and explains
everything.
Bad news- We forget map when we go out.
Good news- Feeling more confident after successful Spanish
interaction with Luis, so spoke in Spanish to the lady behind me in the queue
for the toilets.
Bad news- She turned out to be English and had no idea what
I just said.
Good news- Happened to see my phone was ringing even
though it was on silent.
Even better news- It’s the lady from the work experience
placement I applied for. Said she’s been trying to get hold of me all morning
and this was going to be her last attempt to ring me.
Bad news- Tell her I'm on holiday, she practically hangs up.
Desperate news- Pathetically beg her to tell me what she was going to
say.
Bad news- Could hardly hear due to poor signal so have no
idea what she said and whether I actually got it or not. Panic the rest of the
holiday, want to check emails.
Good news- Find computers…INTERNET!
Bad news- They don’t work.
Good news- Find TV room.
Bad news- They don't work.
Good news- Later on, getting ready to go out, decide to open the free
champagne. Stand back from it in case cork goes flying.
Anticlimactic news- Not even a peep of noise or champagne
leaks out, cork releases gently into hand.
Swaddled up like a little alcoholic baby.
Swaddled up like a little alcoholic baby.
Good news- Successfully put on false eyelashes for the first
time ever.
Bad news- Too drunk to remember how we did it.
Good news- Actually look nice.
Bad news- Camera breaks.
Good news- Camera starts working again.
Bad news- Camera decides it has narcolepsy.
Good news- Catch bus to town.
Bad news- Bus is sleep inducing.
Good news- Lots of people out and about in the city.
Bad news- Most of them are well dressed families.
Bad news 2- We are the only people wearing skirts and heels.
Sticking out like sore thumbs.
Good news- See the touristy sights.
Good news 2- Buy pretty jewellery cheap, cheap!
Good news 3- Find the clubbing part of town, get a delicious
cocktail at nice bar.
Bad news- Bar is empty. Clubs don’t open for another 3
hours.
Good news- Get all the attention from the staff. Cocktails
make us wonderfully tipsy.
Bad news- Tipsy synonymous with tired. Decide to give in to
our inner sleepyness and go back to hotel rather than waiting hours for the
club to get busy.
Good news- Get off bus suddenly rejuvenated and go to the
beach to play.
Bad news- Lose a gold earring in the sand.
Good news- Chesca has a great time…
Bad news- …On a kiddies stand alone electric horse. Which isn't switched on.
Day 3- Wednesday:
Good news- Make friends with bar lady, Fatima. She gives us
lots of helpful info about things we have to see while we’re on the island.
Bad news- We don’t have any time left to go to these places.
She says to come back in June.
Good news- Aquagym again today.
Bad news- Still in pain from Aquagym yesterday.
Good news- They play catchy song I love.
Bad news- They also play ‘somebody that I used to know’.
This song has haunted us during our time here. It. Is. Everywhere. GO. AWAY.
Good news- Chesca and I join in with midday entertainment
quiz.
Bad news- Come last.
Good news- Noticing we are tanning bit by bit.
Bad news- Have also burnt. Most likely from first day
sunbathing, which we didn't realise so we've now burnt on top of our burn. It’s
itchy.
Good news- At lunch we notice a whole separate section of
the buffet with proper cooked food.
Bad news- It’s taken until today to notice it. All that
delicious food we could have eaten…..
Good news- Go for walk along sea edge. It's so peaceful and pretty.
Bad news- Spot man ready to jump off the cliff for a spot of
tombstoning… worry we’re going to witness an accidental death.
Good news- He doesn't land in rocks and swims away. Relief!
Good news 2- Find beautiful beach.
Bad news- Sun goes in. On way back happen to walk past those
volleyball boys from the first day. Awkward.
Good news- Plan our night better, decide to leave later so
we can stay later.
Bad news- Didn't leave enough time to get ready so
frantically rush about. Eyelashes fall down face. Have to ditch them.
Bad news 2- We missed
the bus have to wait for next one. It’s also freezing cold, in rush for bus I forgot
my jacket.
Good news- Bus turns up! We hadn't missed it, it was just
super late.
Bad news- Actually hear a man laugh at me and Chesca as we
stand in the cold in our dresses waiting to get on bus. We’re the only people
getting on the bus at this hour whilst everyone is getting off it.
Bad news 2- Stupid bus is so damn cosy it just makes you
want to fall asleep on it every time.
Bad news 3- Chesca and I practically asleep by the time we
arrive. We contemplate not getting off the bus and returning back to hotel. Some
life and soul of the party we are!
Good news- We soldier on and get off the bus. Find a nice
little bar on a slope with live music playing.
Bad news- No tables free.
Good news- About to move on when I catch the
slightest movement in my peripheral vision, a lady has just moved from her
table so we pounce on it. It’s right next to the live band. Feeling very smug
and trendy.
Bad news- Being on the hill, and being clumsy, about 3 of
our belongings roll off our table and down the slope whilst we’re there.
Good news- Nice passers-by pick them up for us.
Elegant news- Try to be sophisticated with a glass of wine.
Bad news- It comes in a tiny bowl. Impossible to look all Grace
Kelly holding a tuppaware full of wine.
Good news- Make our way over to the clubbing area later than
yesterday, try a different bar with a dance floor on the ground floor.
Bad news- Still empty.
Good news- We get top roof terrace all to ourselves!
Bad news- After a while, a miniature storm brews up, it starts
raining and lightning. Decide to call it quits and run off home with our wet tails between our legs. On way out, notice
the dance floor has got people gathering now but would probably be another 2 hours
before it gets super lively.
Good news- Get back safe and sound, although slightly gutted
the young people of Menorca are clearly vampires if they only emerge at 2am in
the morning. Brighton night life for the win.
Bad news- Both spend an absolutely freezing night shivering
under covers but neither of us mentions it to one another. Next morning we realise
we’d left the air con on. Ah.
Day 4- Thursday
Good news- Despite a cold nights sleep, wake up sprightly
and energised for our last day of sunbathing!
Bad news- Open curtains and see thick grey clouds for miles
around. The storm that began last night has left its mark.
Bad news 2- We are even more burnt now so we’re grateful for
the cloud cover. So painful, so itchy, so red like lobsters.
Questionable judgement news- Risk a day by the pool even
though there’s a mini hurricane going on. Palm trees 30ft tall are swaying.
Good news- Because hardly any people are braving the winds,
we get prime deckchair spots!
Bad news- Hit in head by deckchair due to strong winds. Twice. Lady opposite
laughs at me. A low point of the holiday.
Bad news 2- Plastic bag goes flying in the wind. Chesca
chases after it.
Good news- She’s about to catch it.
Bad news- When it goes through the one tiny gap in a bush.
Good news- She rescues it from its thorny demise! Hurrah!
Good news 2- Go to beach in the afternoon once sun has come
out a bit.
Bad news- Twenty minutes later, sun goes in and it starts
raining. Never seen people evacuate a beach so quickly.
Good news- Ring up transfer company to arrange pick up time
for tomorrow.
Bad news- Need to be up at 5:30 am. Eurgh.
Meat news- Chesca eats veal for the very first time. I was
so excited for this moment.
Bad news- Was so busy chatting I completely missed her
eating it.
Bad news 2- Get back to room. Chesca’s burn has spread all
over her back and torso, except for the occasional white patch, leaving her
skin to resemble the print of a cow. Or a pork scratching.
Good news- Pleasant, quiet evening out walking around the shops. Buy
some good souvenirs.
Good news 2- Stop at a bar for just one cocktail before
going to pack and have an early night.
Bad news- The cocktails are huuuuuge. End up staying for
ages (but having a good time!)
This doesn't do them justice. They were big enough to host a school of fish.
Bad news 2- Still super windy so when we get up to leave, we
subsequently flash everybody Marilyn Monroe style.
Good news- One more late night tipple at the hotel bar,
Chesca orders a proper cocktail to see if we get it free on our all inclusive
wristbands. I order a tea.
Bad news- Turns out we do. The whole time we've been
drinking the poolside mixers, which tasted a little bit too much like recycled
pool water for my liking, when all along we could've had proper fruity
cocktails. We are such lemons.
Day 5- Friday
Good news- Wake up on time.
Bad news- Don't want to be awake this early.
Good news- Hands are brown.
Bad news- Everything else red.
Good news- Get on the transfer safely.
Bad news- It takes nearly two hours to pick everybody else
up before we get to the airport. I am the living definition of a tired baby; head lolling up and down like the Churchill dog, eyes droopy, practically dribbling.
Good news- Get some breakfast at airport cafe. Chesca eats the best chorizo sandwich of her life.
Bad news- Because the queue to check in was so long, don't even have time to finish my cup of tea. Heartbroken.
Good news- Get some breakfast at airport cafe. Chesca eats the best chorizo sandwich of her life.
Bad news- Because the queue to check in was so long, don't even have time to finish my cup of tea. Heartbroken.
Good news- Get on plane and get to sit next to eachother,
hooray! As you can tell, this is a very important matter to us.
Good news- The lady on the other side of Chesca is friendly
and starts chatting to us.
Bad news- She doesn’t stop chatting. Sooooo tired, please
stop talkinggggg.
Good news- Land in Gatwick.
Bad news- At the wrong terminal. Pilot says over the
tannoy...“Er... we appear to be in the north terminal instead of the south. Sorry
for the inconvenience”
Bad news- Miss train.
Good news- Both of us end up home safe and sound, and
despite all the near misses, turned out we didn't need travel insurance after
all- Phew. Success.
Good news 2- Kept the diary notes from our holiday.
Bad news- Takes me 2 months to write it up.
So there you go, our mini holiday! It was a really fun
holiday, everything that went wrong did turn out good, if not better, in the
end. I got the work experience after all, Chesca returned to her normal colour,
and we made some beautiful, beautiful children memories.
I do love that girl y’know.
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