Centerparcs: An Anecdote

The last time I went to Centerparcs I was 13. I don’t remember a whole lot except that it rained, I made a nifty pair of earrings at the craft club, and my mum nearly got left behind in the car park.

Returning 9 years later, sans parents but with two cars full of friends, I had a feeling it would be an entirely different experience as an adult rather than a child. In total we were 7 young adults (6 girls, 1 arguably lucky boy- rumour has it large same sex groups aren’t permitted under the suspicion of being a stag/hen party) staying in the woodland lodge accommodation (third from the bottom in terms of price but it was luxurious by our post-uni standards). We paid £45 each for our four-day four-night trip, which I thought was a total bargain.

When we arrived we prioritised what we would do. First stop: food. We went to the Asda’s round the corner to stock up on the basics- tea, coffee, pasta, & alcohol- instead of using the onsite supermarche (their word, not mine) which obviously is more convenient and comes with the added bonus of tiny weeny shopping trolleys, but is more expensive. It was a no brainer to go to Asda’s. Perhaps that's why Centerparcs lodges are so cheap because a lot of money is made through the onsite supermarket and food outlets. There were no Pizza Huts or greasy cafes, but rather a Strada and Café Rouge.

When we returned, the car park was teeming with arrivals, I was honestly really surprised how busy the place was, considering school had started again. I had thought we might have the whole place to ourselves, but instead we were mere small fish in a lake of retired couples and young families.

Next job: Bikes. It’s practically illegal not to get a bicycle when you go to Centerparcs. It’s bordering on a cultural ritual. Considering most of us hadn’t ridden a bike in years this was going to be an interesting experiment as to whether old dogs forget old tricks. To hire an adult sized bike for the four days sets you back £25, a little bit expensive I think but if your lodge is far away from the main centre then it’s worth the money. I tried to get away with hiring a kiddy’s bike which would have cost me £17 for the week but I wasn’t allowed despite my pleas that I am the size of a child and therefore should be treated as one. These people have no sympathy.

With it being practically pitch black as we left the bike centre, we rode our little bicycles back to the lodge with the moonlight shining on us and our hats and scarves flying in the wind. It really reminded me of that scene in E.T when Elliott & co are cycling down the road.

Cycling home

The lodge itself, as I alluded to before, was impressive. All the furnishings looked new and there was even a chalkboard on one of the walls. Ingenious. The lounge area was really cosy and we quickly adopted our spots on the sofa. There were two fridges and a dishwasher in the kitchen which was highly exciting, and the bathrooms were divine- all shiny metal and tiled floors, radiators that stretched from floor to ceiling and the welcoming sight of lavender hand soap. Best of all though was the duvets; they were so thick and fluffy to the extent that it felt like you were in a cocoon when you were underneath them. One morning I was close to metamorphosing into a butterfly but then I remembered I was a human not a caterpillar.

                                                         

Kat being the organising mastermind behind our trip chose to have our lodge right next to a lake so that we could feed the ducks in the morning. This was my main concern- I would not leave this land without feeding the ducks. The only problem was it was so cold outside that the lake had frozen over and there were no duckies in sight. However after returning to the warmth of the lodge a little feline friend appeared at our patio door which Beth fed some premium salmon. Centerparcs is all about the trees and the animals so at least one animal was helped with its search for food during the cold weather.  

The view from our lodge

The evening consisted of trying not to asphyxiate ourselves using the gas oven (one of the few cons of the lodge, and a big pain at that) as we relentlessly attempted to turn it on, followed by a game of Articulate, a few evening tipples of the good stuff and a movie.

First stop the next morning was the Pancake House which we cycled to. It was a beautiful winter’s morning, fresh, brisk air permeated by the warmth of the sun. Even though it was our first real day cycling it became apparent that within a very short time our bums would be suffering from the uncomfortable nature of the bike seats. It’s a mystery how Bradley Wiggins and Chris Hoy do this 24/7.

With our pancakes devoured, we cycled down to the leisure centre to see what the happenings are down that end of the village. Turned out, all the happenings were there. We had a look round and planned our activities for the next day before returning home to change for the pool.

I was very excited to visit Poolio Iglesias (the pool) and to test out all the water attractions. It’s certainly a highlight for most people visiting Centerparcs I think. It seemed smaller from my perspective now compared to 9 years ago, and it would be nice if there was one or two more water slides to mix it up a bit, but we sure did make the most of the slides they had on offer:

The White Slides. These slides are inexplicably evil; I remember my encounter with them many years back and the throbbing pain they caused me on impact with the water. I glared at them with steely eyes. They would not win this time. Precisely 0.5 seconds after propelling myself down it I was in the water with that oh too familiar feeling of hitting a brick wall. Ow. We still went on them again and again and again though.

                                                 

The Rapids were my favourite, they’re really not that bad (apart from when you get stuck in a strong whirling current and become the landing cushion for a grown man coming down behind you). I found them much better and easier to endure as a marginally taller and stronger adult rather than a feeble child. We tried to be creative on the main drop by forming a conga line but suddenly realised the error of our ways when we failed to slide down due to too much friction. Slightly embarrassing considering people were waiting behind us for us to hurry up, intently watching us as we shuffled down the slide inch by inch like an obese slug. Squeaky noises included.  

                                                  

The Green Slides. These two slides are pretty fun if you can gain speed and shoot down them, not so fun if you don’t and plod down them at 5mph. They should consider sending more water down the slides so that people go faster.

The Lazy River & The Wave Machine. The lazy river is a prime example of the best things in life being the simplest (which slightly contradicts my reasoning for why I love the rapids and slides so much but hey ho). It’s a small channel circling around a rock with a current just strong enough to propel you around it gently. I presume it’s called the Lazy River because it’s for people who are too lazy to swim.

The wave machine on the other hand is ideally for people who can tread water well and for a relatively long period of time. Unlike me who held onto the side of the wall the entire duration. You do start to get weirdly seasick after a while actually but it’s a good little attraction for the whole family.

Lastly, a quick dip in the plunge pool to send a shock to the system before retreating to the hot Jacuzzi is something that just has to be done.

Trip to the pool over, we headed back home for the evening’s festivities. Which consisted of a competitive game of Scrabble, drinking, drinking games, cards, extreme chalkboard desecration, a fantastic game of sardines and playing 40/40 into the early hours of the morning. The things we get up to, golly!

This evening however had a dramatic twist to it. This was the evening of the 15p bag. 

Richard and I had gone cycling to the supermarket to buy some ketchup, some burgers, some burger buns (for him) and some coca cola (for me). I got my coke and he got his various items. I was paying at the till and the cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said I did, she said they cost 10p for 3, I said okily dokily and got 3 bags.

THE PLOT THICKENS.

We left the supermarket happy as larrys, only for Richard to realise he’d forgotten the ketchup– the most vital ingredient of all- so we headed back. Whilst I was waiting for him I checked my receipt and saw I had been charged 45p for 3 bags. No no no, this cannot be, the lady said they were 10p for 3. The scallywag cashier had since gone, in those dastardly minutes between us leaving and returning so I took it upon myself to ask a different cashier. I told her I’d been charged 15p each per bag and that I was only using two anyway. She said they were 15p, despite there being two signs within my reading distance that they were 10p each (and really that’s what I should have been charged them as under the Sales of Goods Act 1979). Anyway, I get my 15p refund for the bag I’m not using but sadly the tealeaves have got away with an extra 20p of my hard-earned cash. The moral of this tale is that no matter how small, you should fight against injustice and lies until rightfully vindicated. 

Day 3 and it was the day of activities. After a morning rally of the water slides we cycled back down to the leisure centre where we hired out two badminton courts and had some good old fashioned hand eye coordination sports. On the way down however something happened that I genuinely didn’t think happened outside of movies- Beth went head over handlebars on her bike into a bush and was pulled out by a handsome man jogging by (whose fault it was in the first place incidentally). I didn’t see it happen, only the aftermath of her emerging from said bush, but luckily she was alright and we persevered on. 

Badminton turned out to be super fun, I don’t know if that’s because I like playing it, or whether it’s the endorphins talking but it was really good, and cheap too, £3.50 for each person (inc. hiring court, rackets and shuttlecocks).

Following that, four of us split off to do roller skating whilst the other three watched on like proud parents before joining the other grown-ups in Starbucks for a well needed caffeine fix. Although supposedly meant to be a roller skating disco (images of a disco ball and leg warmers come to mind) the music blaring out alternated between current, upbeat hits, to depressing 80s power ballads. Slightly weird.

The week in general went by seamlessly because we were pretty much all in agreement with what we wanted to do every day. Evenings were pretty much the same every night: manoeuvring around each other in the small kitchen, putting the logs in the fire, and trying to consume all the alcohol we brought via a variety of games.

Day 4, our last full day: This day was a chillaxing day which started off by us cycling halfway to the leisure centre then locking our bikes up to catch the ‘land train’ the rest of the way. Why it is called a ‘land train’ despite the fact that it isn’t a train and that trains are on land anyway, I do not know. It looked more like a long squashed bus than a train, so really it should be called the Sausage Bus if anything. Once we got to the centre our whole afternoon consisted of playing pool. It became something of a tournament, with us taking up 3 tables in the pool hall. Personally this was my favourite part of the whole trip, and the irony that I could play pool in any pub round the corner from where I live was not lost on me. It really is the little things in life that give the most enjoyment! Following our pool extravaganza, we did the other activity I’d been waiting to do all week…we fed the ducks. It was such a cold day, and they were in the cold water, they must’ve been so cold, but then we came along and tried to feed as many as possible with what we had. Happy days.

                                                

                                                                                                       Make way for the Sausage Bus

We returned to our lodge for cups of tea and coffee before setting off for an evening trip to the pool. On the way we dropped off rubbish in the dumpsters where Kat subsequently became acquainted with an abandoned swimming noodle and decided to bring it with her to the pool (not sure if that’s the technical term for one of those long flotation devices but it seems an accurate description).

Swimming in the heated water of the outside swimming pool with the cold evening air on our faces and complete blackness of the sky above was pretty special. You could see the steam of the water rising into the air and before long it was beginning to snow tiny snowflakes making it all the more surreal. We went on the rapids another couple of hundred times, it was after all our last night, then finished with a long soak in the 33 degree Jacuzzi. Kat’s dirty noodle turned out to be a dearly treasured accompaniment on our last evening.

Day 5- Home Time! Despite all the weather warnings earlier in the week about heavy snow due to fall, until I saw it on the Friday morning, I never really believed it could snow so much in one night. But it did. At one point it looked likely that we might end up stranded overnight in the emergency snow bunker Centerparcs was setting up in a restaurant. Luckily  a couple of hours later, after talking around to incoming visitors and getting weather updates it seemed safe enough to drive home, and lo and behold it stopped snowing just as soon as both cars set off. My only final comment of the holiday was that we stopped at Fleet Services on the way back, which I’d always heard was one of the best service stations around, so I was expecting 5* hotel quality when we pulled up, but I was disappointed. It was nice and new, but it was tiny, was there a whole other section that we missed? Is a Starbucks drive-thru really necessary? I don’t understand.

Overall Verdict: Go to Centerparcs. It’s good, organic fun.

The memories I won’t forget:

All of us on the sofa having breakfast and watching the news about that helicopter crash in London 

Swimming in the outside pool at night catching snowflakes on our tongues with a sky full of stars above us

Going to bed at 1am Thursday night to no snow, waking up 8am Friday morning in bleedin’ Narnia